is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
