if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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