Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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