Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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