rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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