I got chris browned last night
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
