dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
