I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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