Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Randomize
