I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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