Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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