even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
