Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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