well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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