It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
