Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
whose parrot is this?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
