I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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