He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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