I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
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