so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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