I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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