watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
