so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think my moral compass just broke
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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