So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How naked do you want me to be?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
