it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
