Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
