The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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