i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
