Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
