Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
