if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
