i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
