just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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