Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
