Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
