Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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