As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
