Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
