naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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