i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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