i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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