He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
