Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I will pee on everything he values.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
soo... how was my night?
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