Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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