youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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