Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
