just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
