I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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