this beer tastes like vomit already
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
