this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
