I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
